Association Forum - Husband and Wife Communications

Assn Members Area · Join

Home.

Association Forum

Ships Store

Cruising

Racing

Technical Tips

Photo Gallery - New

Boat Search - Updated

Manuals & Brochures

Swap Meet

Links

Officer Flag Line & Staff

Bylaws & Constitution

Members Area

Join the Association

Notice:
The advice given on this site is based upon individual or quoted experience, yours may differ.
The Officers, Staff and members of this site only provide information based upon the concept that anyone utilizing this information does so at their own risk and holds harmless all contributors to this site.

Association Forum

Username:	Password:
Save Password
Forgot your Password?

All Forums

Catalina/Capri 25/250 Sailor's Forums

General Sailing Forum

Husband and Wife Communications

New Topic

Topic Locked

Printer Friendly

Author

Topic

Page: of 2

Slingerland
1st Mate

Member Avatar

USA
96 Posts

Initially Posted - 10/09/2010 : 19:47:53

Being a newbie, I have to admire the way other newbies solve sailing problems. In this case, I had heard there was another young couple at my marina who were learning to sail together. They're younger than my wife and me: they're in their early 20s, we're in our mid 40s. But we had not met them yet.

Today I was at the marina recharging Novia's battery, and I saw the other newbie couple driving their boat into their slip. And they were experiencing a problem that my family experienced a couple of weeks ago: a cranky outboard, and a man/woman team who had not worked out their communications and roles yet.

Their boat was probably older than them, a 21 foot or so. Sails were furled and stored, and the boat coming in too fast under outboard power. But as I watched them approach their slip, I realized they were not slowing down much.

At first, the man was leaning over the stern pulpit, fighting the outboard. It looked like the engine was stuck in gear: he was yanking on the left side of the engine housing. The young woman was at the bow trying to yell position and direction back to him, and warning him to SLOW DOWN.

Because the engine was loud and sputtering, he couldn’t understand her. So at the same time he was trying to lean over the engine, he also would pop up, turn around and look forward… in general they were getting angry with each other and the boat was out of control. Finally he yelled at her to take over the engine so he could see what was happening. His tone was not polite to her.

Let me digress a bit: as I am getting older in years, I find I appreciate the feminine build more and more. A boat marina certainly appeals to my sense of voyeurism… and this young lady was certainly built well: as she leaned over the engine, I saw she was wearing shorts and a very tight t-shirt over an athletic, VERY busty build. (In other words, I was glad my wife wasn’t along to see me drooling.) A definite 10+.

But back to the story: she bent over the pulpit fighting to get the engine out of gear, while the man reached in front to GRAB a parked boat. Yes. Grab a boat. With his hands. At this point, I pulled out some rope and started to up my slip… maybe I could pull them in if they would kill the engine.

Neither of them saw me; she glanced up at the bow to see the man was grabbing at other boats, and when she realized what he was doing, she quickly killed the engine before his arms were dislocated. He managed to GRAB other boats one-by-one and slow down… then stop in front of their slip.

I stood there (rope in hand) and watched them guide their boat to their slip hand-over-hand. I don't know why I didn't go on over... I was simply surprised that they were willing to risk hitting the other boats.

Finally they were in the slip. The man went back to the cockpit and sat down, stressed out and exhausted. The woman finished tying down the bow, then came back to face him. She was obviously MAD and from her body language I knew she was going to explode. But what she did was a complete shock.

Facing him, She pulled up her t-shirt and bra, pointed at her breasts and then SCREAMED: “If you EVER want to play with THESE again, FIX THE MOTHER F***ING ENGINE!” (Unfortunately for me, she was facing away from me… sigh… I had my iPhone with me…

) Then she pulled her shirt back down, stormed off the boat up the pier to their car, yanking her bra into place as she walked. A few minutes later, he sheepishly followed. As he walked up the pier, our eyes locked and he realized I had witnessed the whole thing.

He sheepishly shrugged his shoulders at me… I pointed at my wedding ring and said simply: “I understand.” He gave me a weak grin and left to follow her.

I wonder how long it will take him to get the engine repaired?

Howard Warren
Little Rock, AR
1979 C-25 #1435, "Novia"

Edited by - on

Nautiduck
Master Marine Consultant

Members Avatar

USA
3704 Posts

Response Posted - 10/09/2010 : 19:59:34

Great story. OB should be fixed by now.

Edited by - on

OLarryR
Master Marine Consultant

Members Avatar

USA
3467 Posts

Response Posted - 10/09/2010 : 20:45:56

I am not sure if the moral of this story is that "you" should spend more time in the dock (watching the action) or more time out sailing ?

Edited by - on

Slingerland
1st Mate

Members Avatar

USA
96 Posts

Response Posted - 10/09/2010 : 21:43:09

Actually, I consider the moral that if I wish to avoid a similar fate, I had better figure out how we're going to be docking/undocking Novia successfully, without stress, every time.

Seriously, docking manuevers are the hardest thing for my wife and me so far... I'm deaf on my left side, the engine mount is on the port, and my wife... being Asian... thinks that yelling is a major faux pas. So backing out has been a challenge. Can't hear her, can't see the bow. There is about 35~40 ft to move in behind the slip, and the engine has not been my friend.

Although in defense of the engine... the previous owner of Novia volunteered to come out and tinker with the outboard. He's done a GREAT job and the idle is MUCH better! But we still don't have our timing and role responsibilities down yet.

I'm going to try an experiment tomorrow... see if will help. It's a kludge, but hey, I'm an engineer at heart... love to tinker... also can't wait to see if the engine is still on the other board (hee hee.)

Edited by - on

delliottg
Former Mainsheet C250 Tech Editor

Members Avatar

USA
4479 Posts

Response Posted - 10/10/2010 : 01:16:28

Rita (also Asian), believes the same way, it's simply not done. We're working on hand signals, but may move to walkie talkies. She's a bit hard of hearing, so talking over the engine can be a challenge. If we're anchoring, I let her drive, but if we're pulling into our slip she isn't confident enough to do that, and prefers to work the bow lines. I try very hard to not get excited about stuff & begin yelling commands at her, and I go out of my way to explain what we're going to do next, and how we're going to do it. This goes a long way toward alleviating her anxiety.

Edited by - on

DaveR
Master Marine Consultant

Members Avatar

USA
2015 Posts

Response Posted - 10/10/2010 : 08:31:24

Howard, I think the key to docking or leaving the dock is a classic Dave Bristol phrase. Never approach a dock any faster than you're willing to hit it. SLOW AND GO!! It may take a couple maneuvers to position yourself correctly but in the mean time you'll learn how your boat reacts to what.

Edited by - on

Slingerland
1st Mate

Members Avatar

USA
96 Posts

Response Posted - 10/10/2010 : 08:46:22

Dave, you're absolutely right, but the problems I've been having involve a cranky outboard (slips in and out of gear, revs up) and a crew that won't yell loud enough. It can be scary to approach slowly, and the outboard decide to go to ramming speed!

This morning's experiment was to mount a trolling motor on the opposite side of the transom, and see if I can use it to back in and out of the slip... then use the gas outboard for moving in and out of harbor. I know, complicated. But Wile E. Coyote is my role model... and like Wile E., this morning's experiment as not quite... successful... once unboxed, the over-the-transom motor mount was missing a couple of parts. Sigh.

BTW, I looked over at the young couple's boat. The outboard engine is not mounted anymore

Edited by - on

jerlim
Master Marine Consultant

Members Avatar

USA
1484 Posts

Response Posted - 10/10/2010 : 08:54:45

Our logistics allow me to dock solo very easily, but if it were a 2 person job, I'd get these in an instant:

http://www.seafaring.com/shipstore/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=240_247&products_id=9748&

Often referred to as 'marriage savers' they are long range, hands-free communication devices, like walkie-talkies, except they allow both parties to talk and listen at the same time, just like a telephone. The headset style allow your hands to be free for other activities...and VERY reasonably priced.

Edited by - jerlim on 10/10/2010 08:55:35

Stinkpotter
Master Marine Consultant

Members Avatar

Djibouti
9081 Posts

Response Posted - 10/10/2010 : 11:22:25

Interesting product Jerry found... I'm guessing it uses two FRS frequencies for full-duplex operation (instead of one-way-at-a-time like normal radios). I was going to suggest FRS radios with VOX headsets, but his looks even better.

Aside from "Bristle's First Law of Docking" cited above

, the other lesson I learned a while back was to understand and use the "prop-walk" effect: When standing still or moving very slowly, a burst of the throttle in forward gear pushes the stern to starboard, turning the bow to port. When backing up, the opposite rotation pulls the stern to port, also turning the boat to port.

This can be a great help (or minor hindrance) in pivoting the boat to enter or after exiting a slip. It can also explains why, when turning the engine to help turn the boat to starboard moving forward, it sometimes doesn't seem to help. In that case, give a burst to push the boat forward, and then idle down and use the rudder to turn so prop-walk isn't working against you. Or, while the boat is moving forward, shift into reverse and give it a burst, which will help you make a sharp turn to starboard. That sounds backward, but it's true. I use this method to pivot my boat on its axis to enter my slip, and I don't have the benefit of a keel as a pivot point like I used to have.

Edited by - on

Slingerland
1st Mate

Members Avatar

USA
96 Posts

Response Posted - 10/10/2010 : 11:55:59

Just to take this "back on track", I know that my crew and I need more practice, and there are a lot of alternatives to fix the various problems. Headsets, new engine, trolling motor, etc.

But the reason I was posting this thread was just to say that I have a lot of sympathy for what the other couple is going through!

I would offer to see if they want to take turns and crew (and learn!) together as a team, but they may think I saw "more" of the woman than I actually did. And then there is the dangerous issue of explaining "how I met them" to my wife! (I can picture her slowing asking me to repeat the story... "She did WHAT?")

Edited by - on

Stinkpotter
Master Marine Consultant

Members Avatar

Djibouti
9081 Posts

Response Posted - 10/10/2010 : 13:43:06

Next time, keep the camera-phone a little more handy!

Edited by - on

Renzo
Admiral

Members Avatar

USA
621 Posts

Response Posted - 10/10/2010 : 17:57:38

Howard, I like to keep abreast of these situations, where do you dock and do they have any dockage available? I'm glad you didn't get busted for staring at another man's wife, although I know how titillating some situations can be. I'm sure you would have felt like a first class boob if youhad been caught. Next time you might want to have a pair of jugs of water handy to cool yourself down so you don't tip your hand and upset your wife. As the old saying goes - One in the hand is worth two on the other guy's boat.

Edited by - Renzo on 10/10/2010 17:59:08

Prospector
Master Marine Consultant

Members Avatar

Canada
3159 Posts

Response Posted - 10/10/2010 : 19:08:18

A suggestion for hairy docking situations, like for newbies and cranky outboards, crosswinds, tight spaces, and for when you have a guest on board who wants to "help" when you would rather have them do nothing...

Hand the person on foredeck a boathook.
Keep a second one in the cockpit.

I know its simple, and thats what they are made for etc. But I never discovered the beautiful simplicity and embarassment saving nature of the BH untill my second season sailing.

Pulling up to the dock and snagging a bollard with the BH says "I was prepared" not, I missed the dock by 5 feet.
Pushing off a boat with a BH says, "I wasn't going to hit your boat (I'm that good) I want to protect it in case it drifts into me."
Holding a BH out to someone offering to help from the dock says "Here, lets pull together" instead of "You are going to loosen my stanctions if you pull on the lifelines you lutz!"

Yes the lowly $10 boathook can go a long way towards making a clutz (me) look like a pro. Give it a try. It might work for you too!

Edited by - Prospector on 10/10/2010 19:10:27

redviking
Master Marine Consultant

Members Avatar

USA
1771 Posts

Response Posted - 10/11/2010 : 07:01:38

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by Renzo
 Howard, I like to keep abreast of these situations, where do you dock and do they have any dockage available? I'm glad you didn't get busted for staring at another man's wife, although I know how titillating some situations can be. I'm sure you would have felt like a first class boob if youhad been caught. Next time you might want to have a pair of jugs of water handy to cool yourself down so you don't tip your hand and upset your wife. As the old saying goes - One in the hand is worth two on the other guy's boat.

<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

Renzo, you missed the words "Bazongas," "Breasticles," "Cans," "Girls," "Hooters," "Mammy's," "Puppies," "Rack," "TaTa's," and finally "The Twins" in your advice column.

I'm Sten and my wife came up with this message....

Edited by - on

Slingerland
1st Mate

Members Avatar

USA
96 Posts

Response Posted - 10/11/2010 : 07:07:45

Just remember the rules of running your boat: if "the girls" aren't happy, the Admiral is not happy.

Edited by - on

redviking
Master Marine Consultant

Members Avatar

USA
1771 Posts

Response Posted - 10/11/2010 : 07:29:51

Seriously - this is a good topic. Even after thousands of miles under our keel and countless anchorages and marina landings, my wife and I still do not always communicate properly either before, during, or after the aforementioned events. Yes, we have marriage savers, although we often opt for the cockpit RAM mic and a handheld VHF on 68 or 69 - depending on the mood.

Gives the anchorage something to listen to...

We try to at least discuss the tactics involved and the what will we do if something goes wrong stuff as we are entering the situation. Each others role is fairly clear, although stuff happens fast and when it does, that's when the "Ma'am" and "Sir" stuff starts coming out. "Sometime before I get old," has been vocally rendered many a time. "Roger that SIR/Ma'am! Working!" is often the reply regardless of who is answering whom.

'Tis all good.... Ma'am and Sir are attention getting verbal signals that sorta relate the seriousness of the situation quickly without being rude... Good Captains never shout but definitely know how to be heard.

Good Captains reverse roles such that the mate understands the other job and vice versa... That having been said, I never understood why so many Captains put the wife on the bow when dropping or hauling a hook....

The best scene I ever saw was when a skipper on a BendyToy came in and had issues dropping the hook... He screamed, she screamed, the yelling filled the anchorage for nearly an hour until they got everything all set. They disappeared below for about 10 minutes immediately afterwards. We all waited with baited breath for something to happen.

Suddenly they appeared in the cockpit holding each other and a glass of white wine. "Isn't she wonderful?" the Captain bellowed across the anchorage. We all stood up and started clapping, for just about all of us have been there at least once or twice....

sten

Edited by - on

Renzo
Admiral

Members Avatar

USA
621 Posts

Response Posted - 10/11/2010 : 07:36:18

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Renzo, you missed the words "Bazongas," "Breasticles," "Cans," "Girls," "Hooters," "Mammy's," "Puppies," "Rack," "TaTa's," and finally "The Twins" in your advice column.
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">
<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"> Just remember the rules of running your boat: if "the girls" aren't happy, the Admiral is not happy.<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

Leave it to my bosom buddies to make up for my shortcomings.

Edited by - on

Stinkpotter
Master Marine Consultant

Members Avatar

Djibouti
9081 Posts

Response Posted - 10/11/2010 : 07:56:43

I lament that I didn't have an electric windlass when my wife was alive... What a wonderful tool! Friends watch with envy from their boats in the anchorage as I push the button until the anchor goes CLUNK, and then say "Bye-bye!" (...while they're contemplating pulling up a 45# CQR on 50' of muddy chain.)

I have to admit to some sharp words with the late Admiral and the current GF, often responded to with "Well next time you can do it!

" I try to replace the accusatory tones with "Sorry, what I meant was..." ...not always successfully, no doubt because I'm simultaneously screwing things up myself.

Edited by - on

Merrick
Navigator

Members Avatar

USA
192 Posts

Response Posted - 10/12/2010 : 14:26:23

A friend related to my wife and me the simple advise of her scuba instructor (of all people) which was "Slowly slowly". It applies in lots of situations and one of us will often remind the other in situations like docking especially if tensions rise.
Just saying the words "slowly slowly" makes you relax and take a breath and then actually slow down. (agreeing with the Bristle rule as stated above).

Edited by - on

Renzo
Admiral

Members Avatar

USA
621 Posts

Response Posted - 10/12/2010 : 17:37:25

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by Merrick
 A friend related to my wife and me the simple advise of her scuba instructor (of all people) which was "Slowly slowly". It applies in lots of situations and one of us will often remind the other in situations like docking especially if tensions rise.
Just saying the words "slowly slowly" makes you relax and take a breath and then actually slow down. (agreeing with the Bristle rule as stated above).
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">
Given the topic is husband and wife communications... We are still talking about docking, right?

Edited by - on

Slingerland
1st Mate

Members Avatar

USA
96 Posts

Response Posted - 10/12/2010 : 19:16:34

Um... we're still talking about docking BOATS, right? Although I've heard the term "docking maneuver" used in other husband-wife contexts...

Edited by - on

Patrice C25
1st Mate

Members Avatar

78 Posts

Response Posted - 10/13/2010 : 10:54:43

Hi,
docking is not easy, but I guess I'm lucky, my admiral is the one bringing the boat to the dock. And I am the one jumping to the dock. When we got the boat a few season ago, we went to a different marina, and the docks were at water level, she did not felt confortable jumping to these dock. She took the control, and I went getting ready, I told her not to worry, I would indicate direction with my hand. pointing up = forward, down= slow etc. and if we don't make it the first time, we'll go around and try it again since there was room.
She did so good, that since then, this is the way we do it all the time.
Same way with ancoring. Hand language, no shouting.
And by being involve with the boat, make it more fun for both of us.

Edited by - on

dmpilc
Master Marine Consultant

Members Avatar

USA
4593 Posts

Response Posted - 10/13/2010 : 13:27:58

My admiral also brings the boat in as I am more agile than she is. Mostly we go to neutral about 3 slips away and coast into our slip. I may try the BH route to grab the forward spring line instead of stepping off onto the dock.

Edited by - on

PCP777
Master Marine Consultant

Members Avatar

USA
1225 Posts

Response Posted - 10/13/2010 : 13:33:18

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by dmpilc
 My admiral also brings the boat in as I am more agile than she is. Mostly we go to neutral about 3 slips away and coast into our slip. I may try the BH route to grab the forward spring line instead of stepping off onto the dock.
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

We ghost in as well. I just don't really trust my outboard my slip is well protected. Last night she fell asleep down below and I brought Stephanos in solo.

Edited by - on

Merrick
Navigator

Members Avatar

USA
192 Posts

Response Posted - 10/13/2010 : 14:21:01

"Given the topic is husband and wife communications... We are still talking about docking, right?"

You notice I said it applies to a lot of situations...

Edited by - on

piseas
Former Treasurer

Members Avatar

USA
2017 Posts

Response Posted - 10/13/2010 : 14:28:05

After much practice I can bring in PiSeasII solo, even with a crew. I dont like people jumping off or off for that matter.
I bring her in slowly. I do an L turn(90 degree) in the slip.(See my pic below for a visual coming down the fairway.) If there are currents I do not put in neutral until bow entering slip. I then put in neutral and coast toward end of slip. About 3/4ths way in, I put motor in reverse for a sec to stop her forward motion. Then I put in neutral and shut off motor. I exit from boat to dock and tie her up.
All this can change with winds and currents. Sometimes I angle 45 degrees into slip when poor conditions exist but if perfect conditions I just drive her in like parking a car in a garage and go straight in.
Now and then I can have a misstep. Its bound to happen. Nothing is 100% certain.

Steve A

Edited by - piseas on 10/13/2010 14:30:20

Page: of 2

Topic

New Topic

Topic Locked

Printer Friendly

Jump To:

Association Forum

Notice: The advice given on this site is based upon individual or quoted experience, yours may differ.
The Officers, Staff and members of this site only provide information based upon the concept that anyone utilizing this information does so at their own risk and holds harmless all contributors to this site.